coffeecatsandvegans:

I hate starting conversations with people. I feel like I annoy the hell out of them.

You don’t get to do what you do to me. Be an absolute sweet heart to me, than… just stop. My mind is consistently twisting and churning like rusting gears about you. Topics my mind ponders about; no1. Money, no2. My job, no3. You, no4. My happiness and My hate for everything thats gone wrong in my life, no5. Killing myself And then everything else in my life. You shouldn’t be a problem with me. At times its controlled. I can be ‘Nah, not worth  the thought’, ’ Nah, its fine, I’m better without a boy’ and then the dark side hits. ’ Why why why why, not me?! ’ but I can’t do anything when I don’t know anything. It is my fault. I ponder, I don’t act. I am afraid of a result that is not in my favor, like you saying that we will never be anything and that its better we stop being friends but at times I feel that is what we need. I will be so annoyed if it did end that way, cause of all the effort I tried in trying to be what you always wanted in a girl, and that I put aside mistakes that happened because I wanted to give you a chance, and the time I would have wasted on you when I could of been happy with some of the guys that now I see would have made me happy…  But I just dont know what to do. I Need my life in order. I need to stop this bullcrap childish things I do, where I whinge because my life sucks. I need to grow up and leave this teenage fantasy I have. I have the job pushing through to a career. I will soon live out of home, surviving on my own. In cliche to all of this, is the companion. The boy. Oh gosh. The thought. It makes me laugh and then it angers me. When I was just 12 I said that I was independent and can do everything on my own, I didn’t need the help and I was strong. 8 years later, I have changed. I am weak. Powerless and alone. The ever lasting happy endings I experienced in all those Disney Movies I grew up watching showed me a surrealist world that will never exist for me, people in the real world and their pessimistic views have fucked me up and made me see that I will most likely end up alone and sad.  I just want a miracle. Happy ending perhaps? Have one of my dreams come true? Yeah that would be sweet. Just to be able to generally smile and feel overwhelmed with happiness and know that it will last. I guess I just need to find myself, let my feelings just go on a holiday so there are no distractions and learn for myself what I can do so I know what I need. Man this will be incredibly tough work. I hope I dont give up.